So, I was telling Man Yung about my "tango jump-kicking" blues and he totally agreed with me.
"Yes, it is true. You are getting too old for this kind of stuff," my totally supportive hubby remarked.
There goes my chances to star in the "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" sequel.
Then Man Yung thought a moment. And his face lighted up.
"But don't worry, we can fix that if we can get you to consume some 1000-year-old Lingzhi and 1000-year-old Heshouwu."
What Man Yung means is that I should eat this:
Ganodermi, also known as Lingzhi
With a generous helping of this:
Radix polygoni multi-flori, also known as Heshouwu
Young Lingzhi are already the size of small umbrellas. As for Heshouwu, this is what a 200-year Heshouwu looks like:
I can only imagine that a 1000-year-old one must be as big as VW bus.
As Man Yung puts it, "If you eat these special chinese herbs, you will experience a second springtime and regain your youthful vitality - and you will be able to do all the tango jump-kicking you want without getting a hernia!"
Wow man, I can't wait to find my very own 1000-year-old Heshouwu and Lingzhi so that I, too can experience my second springtime and audition for "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - The Sequel" AND Cosmotango XXXVII. *
* Maybe I'll be able to ditch Man Yung and find my very own Fabio shortly after eating said Heshouwu and Lingzhi and entering into my "second springtime" - imagine all the fancy nuevo/show tango jump kicks I will be able to execute in my 50's, 60's, 70's (and if I am very lucky) 80's and 90's with Fabio! Fellow dancers, better watch out on the dance floor!
** I heard a rumor that Man Yung had discovered a couple of these 1000-year-old Heshouwu when he traveled to Northeastern China back in 1980. And I suspect he must have eaten one (as to where he was hiding it in our 800 square foot condo - I have no idea) when he started getting old and feeling his "manly powers" were not as strong as they used to be. Now he is dancing three, four even six hours in a row non-stop - coincidence? I think not.
Ever been in the situation where you're a guest having dinner at someone else's house, and then some other guest from across the table says something so offensive to you that you wish that you could have leapt up four feet upwards from your seat, traveled clear across the table in full flight from the propulsion force of your leap, and executed a perfect spinning back hook kick right into the face of the offender?
It was one of those times I wished that a) there were no laws against this kind of thing, b) I should have practiced jumping-kicking moves more when I was training full-time in the martial arts.
Unfortunately, I wasn't much of a jump-kicker back in those days. Kicking was fine, it was the jumping part that I sucked at. Little did I know that my lousy martial arts jump-kicking would actually foreshadow my lousy tango jump-kicking decades later! As much as I would love to emulate all my show-tango nuevo-tango "heroes" on YouTube (and much to the disappointment of Man Yung), I couldn't tango jump-kick for the life of me.
There goes all my dreams of finding my very own tango-niche of "Kara-te-ango!"
This also means my brittle old bones will not let me do any of this:
Pop Quiz: Which one of following choices is not an authentic Tango experience?
A) Randomly encountering what you perceive as Tango on the street and being compelled to film and/or photograph it.
Jack and Mona, Kensington Market Street Milonga, Toronto, June 29, 2008.
B) Encountering what you perceive as Tango in any milonga in the world, including the ones in Buenos Aires, and being compelled to film and/or photograph it.
C) Seeing what you perceive as Tango in the media and being compelled to learn how to do it.
D) Taking what you perceive to be Tango classes and thinking that you are learning how to Tango.
E) Listening to an Argentinian, native Spanish-speaker and/or Tango Professional tell you a long-winded history of Tango or give you long-drawn advice about dancing Tango and either i) thinking it is true, because the teller is either an Argentinian/a native Spanish-speaker/a Tango Professional; or ii) knowing it is false, but being too polite to interrupt the monologue because the teller is either an Argentinian/a native Spanish-speaker/a Tango Professional.
F) Being instilled in mantras like "You must dance tango with more HATE", or "Tango is a SEXY and SEDUCTIVE dance" or "Tango is all about the EMBRACE" and believing them to be true.
G) Buying and dressing up in full Tango regalia (all the flavours of "Tanguero/a", "Cayenguero/a", "Milonguero/a" and everything in between), thinking it gives you Tango "street cred", or believing that you have somehow morphed into what your costume represents.
H) Going to Buenos Aires, visiting Confiteria Ideal, La Boca and San Telmo, taking a lot of photos and being a flagrant Gringo Tango Tourist.
I) Going to Buenos Aires, avoiding Confiteria Ideal, La Boca and San Telmo, but going to Porteno y Bailarin, Nino Bien, Gricel, Sunderland, Maipu 444 and/or La Viruta etc. and thinking you are not a flagrant Gringo Tango Tourist.
J) Being ripped off/robbed/betrayed in or generally disillusioned by Buenos Aires.
K) Not being ripped off/robbed/betrayed in or generally disillusioned by Buenos Aires.
L) Learning all the moves from "Asi Se Baila el Tango", "Forever Tango" or "Cosmotango" and thinking that people should get out of your way when you are replicating what you have learnt on the dance floor.
M) Thinking that people should get out of your way on the dance floor because you are a Professional and any exhibition of your moves is educational for the public.
N) Not doing any "moves" but still thinking that you have the right to defy the line of dance/dance with your eyes closed/dispense with the skill of navigation just because: you are an Argentinian/a native Spanish-speaker/you have visited Buenos Aires many times/you have taken a lot of private classes/you are in full Tango regalia/you have danced longer than the people you are bumping into/you think you know what you are doing.
O) Dancing with your favourite Argentinian Tango Professional/Milonguero/Milonguera and having something to brag about to your tango friends.
P) Not dancing with your favourite Argentinian Tango Professional/Milonguero/Milonguera and having nothing to brag about to your tango friends.
Q) Falling in love with your favourite Argentinian Tango Professional.
R) Falling in love with and marrying your favourite Argentinian Tango Professional.
S) Falling in love with, being seduced by, and eventually being abandoned by your favourite Argentinian Tango Professional.
T) Falling in love with, being seduced by, being abandoned by and being cheated of all your money and self-respect by your favourite Argentinian Tango Professional.
U) Resenting the fact that you were not seduced by, abandoned by and cheated of all your money and self-respect by your favourite Argentinian Tango Professional - better luck next time.
V) Bumping into the visiting Argentinian Tango Professional doing drugs in the washroom of your favourite milonga.
W) Videotaping your Tango dancing and posting same on the internet for the enjoyment of the public.
X) Videotaping your Tango dancing and the Tango dancing of all your important Tango friends and posting same on the internet to boost your credibility as a Tango authority.
Y) Doing your post-doctorate thesis on Tango, and getting Hollywood to make it into a movie!
Z) Quitting Tango to devote yourself to other important things, i.e. Life.
