WTLTRSS?

Man Yung is still teaching me to lead with great enthusiasm and dedication.  This means a curriculum of High Level Youtube steps and a lot of throwing me into the deep end of the pool, i.e. making me lead him in the most crowded milonga in Toronto with the highest number of similarly High Level Youtube step leaders. You see, he figures what doesn't kill me will just make me stronger.

True to some extent.  But just to be safe, I made sure that IN ADDITION to fancy schmancy moves like triple enganche giro volcada gancho barridas, he taught me how to 1) Walk, 2) Turn left, 3) Turn right and 4) Stand still.  With this deadly arsenal handy set of directional movements at least I would be able to get us off the dance floor if it gets to be too rough and bumpy out there.

Or, if I can't get us out, at least I can stand still in the middle of the pista and cry.

"Don't worry Irene - go ahead, lead away," said one helpful leader when I confessed my worries about navigation.  "I always make sure that I'm not dancing at all when you take the lead."

Hardy har har.

The first couple of times was terrifying.   Couples were flying at me from all directions and it seemed like there was no way to avoid colliding with everyone in the universe.  I managed to avoid major collision in any case.  Seemed like people were NOT trying to purposefully bump into me.  Maybe most guys don't really want to kick a girl.  Thanks guys!

It got easier as I got more of a handle on the walk/turn left/turn right/stand still (hereinafter termed as "WTLTRSS") combo.  I am amazed that it's an almost foolproof way not to kill oneself and others on the dance floor.

I have some questions.

In order to navigate a crowded and crazy milonga floor, could it be possible that one doesn't have to possess ESP/Special Forces training/Heightened Mutant Reflexes?

Surely every leader dancing for more than one year knows WTLTRSS?

Don't tell me that a crappy beginner follower leader (in heels) can avoid collision better than some multi-year so-called veteran instructors?

Nonetheless, judging from the number of people getting kicked and body checked, maybe everyone has checked their WTLTRSS at the door.

This doesn't sound right.  I had to ask Man Yung.

"Am I doing ok navigationally? Should I be dancing smaller?  Am I tailgating people or dancing obnoxiously? Obviously I'm not experienced and not very good yet...it seems a miracle that I can lead you under crowded conditions, not crash into other people majorly, and still emerge in one piece."

Man Yung was exasperated.  "Irene, you should dance MORE AGGRESSIVELY and WITH BIGGER, MORE DANGEROUS MOVEMENTS.  The problem with you is that you CARE TO MUCH about not bumping into other people.  What you need to do is to use me as a human shield MORE and ram me into others so that they will stop hurtling into your direction. All you need to do is to generate a couple of nuclear implosion explosion collisions, then you will be a huge badass and everyone will fear you and give you space.  Otherwise, you are doing fine, honey!"

Badass?

I smiled warily.  "Errrrrr.....nice advice.  I will write it in my notebook!"

And then do the exact opposite.  Thanks Man Yung!

How to drive your man insane

First she drives the men insane with her writhing sexy snake dancing... 

THEN SHE TURNS INTO AN EVIL WARTY BLOOD-SUCKING VAMPIRE

I apologize for the misleading title.  I don't actually have any good advice.  Nope.  Not a clue.

"What do you mean, Irene?" said Man Yung.  "Of course you know perfectly well how to drive me insane.  Like the time you put my favourite sweater in the dryer and shrunk it five sizes.  I also go crazy when you finish washing the dishes but leave all the gunk from the dishes in the sink for me to clean up.  In fact, all the half-assed stuff you do takes me one step closer to the looney bin!  Irene, you are very good at driving me mad!"

That's not quite what I mean.

What I'm getting at is how some tangueras have this magical ability to make even normally docile, ronda-abiding tangueros dance like maniacs with no sense of personal space.  How do they do it?

Just saw some of this in action this past weekend.  The respectable tango professional was usually well-behaved on the dance floor with his lovely partner and with other local tangueras.  You can even say he was the perfect model of tango decorum.

However, this totally changed when he started dancing with some young chica in the daisy dukes from ___________.

It was like a tornado had touched down and was tearing up all the floorboards.

"Wow, how come they are suddenly taking so much space?" said Man Yung.  "It reminds me of something that Tango Commuter once described - 'great centrifugal force...dozens of pointed heels...teeth of a circular saw'?"

The other dancers on the floor instinctively kept their distance from them.  She had driven him insane.

We scratched our collective heads and pondered.

Is it because she is a better dancer?

"That can't be - she isn't better than his partner.  His partner is a professional, you know!" I said.

Is it because she is triggering his berserkery with secret signals?

"No, I don't see any cheesy back-of-the-head caressing or earlobe rubbing.  And it can't be heavy breathing on her part either - their embrace has become too open for any funny business like that.  They are dancing so far apart, it's like they can't even contain the force of their ecstatic spinning with their puny human limbs!"

So, I don't get it.  What is it that some tangueras have, that other tangueras don't?  How can a tanguera turn her partner into a complete dance hazard when others have failed so miserably?

Man Yung, as always, was supportive.  "Irene, I can't move!  I'm only trying to lead you into a triple vertical boleo flying hook kick so you can put a stiletto into his face and stop them from rushing into us.  Stop hanging on to me like a dead weight - you are just trying to stop me!  You are driving me nuts!"

See, I told you!  She turned into a vampire!
(Do you think we could vanquish her by staking her in the heart with my Comme Il Fauts?)

What is the Optimal Space for Tango?

In Tango, there is such a thing as too much space...

1.

You would think that having a whole dance hall to ourselves, we would enjoy our tango more. 

Strangely enough, spaciousness makes us bicker.

"Why are you dancing so oddly?" Man Yung would ask.  "I think high ceilings and big rooms must make you feel nervous - maybe exposed and naked?"

"Nothing of the sort," I replied.  "Your dancing annoys me when there's lots of room to move.  You expand your You-tubey whirling and kicking just because you can, and it's a pain in the ass to follow!"

2.

"Hey Man Yung - what if you throw a few more people into the room?"

"That's not so good either - we might behave ourselves more because there are other couples around, but this is Toronto Tango and you are bound to get one or two maniacs who light up at the prospect of there being space.  The next thing you know they are charging up and down the dance floor re-enacting their own amateur, furious-footed version of 'Forever Tango'" like the other people sharing the floor don't exist."

3. 

"How about light to medium density?  Around, say three to five couples per 100 square feet?"

"Only the very crazy will try to do their death-defying "Show" in these conditions.  That's good in a way, but then the over-confident and slightly deluded will still think they have enough space to execute unexpected boleos, volcadas/colgadas, ganchos, enganches and shin-stabbing 'gems'.  And oh, watch out for the big steppers - dancers who have been taught that the right way to dance socially is to do great big stiff-backed stiff-legged ostrich/giraffe-like walking and giros.  They'd be able to dance under these conditions and they will turn the dance floor into their own special kind of bumper-car hell because they can't help but take these nice, long, elegant strides right into ya instep."

4.

"What do you think about Buenos Aires crowded?"

"You will need lots of patience.  It may take about a tanda to go all the way around the floor because you are really inching along under these conditions, but being able to dance in this kind of crowd can be rewarding.  Hopefully, all the big-stepping, high kicking dancers would have sat down and given up because any undisciplined movement will cause a major collision, and getting the evil eye every second you are on the dance floor is no fun."

"They'd have to wait until the end of the evening to dance then!"

"That's right.  If you have the skill to dance a really crowded dance floor, you can't try to do too much - just small steps, and tight turns on the spot.  This means that you can't think about anything - no figures, no combinations!  You have to react and go with the flow of the music and the movement of the people around you.  It's easier to be present, to really feel what it's like to dance Tango - and under the best conditions, you are dancing collectively with everyone in the room to the same compas. Some of most spiritual experiences in Tango I've had were under these circumstances.  Awesome stuff."

5.

"What do you think of 'Major Tango Festival Crowded' then?

"This is not a matter of density, but of attitude!  You get a congregation of all types from all over.  Some dancers may be well-behaved but you are definitely going to get some who can't wait to show off at the expense of dancefloor safety.  Didn't they pay good money to attend the festival? and by golly they aren't going to restrain themselves from showing the world what great dancers they are and what they have (just) learned from the workshops!  I don't think it's easy for a festival organizer to encourage good floorcraft or to tell irresponsible dancers to tone it down - an event of any magnitude is expensive and if you are planning for next year you don't want to lose any customers by telling them off.  The downside is that if the organizers don't enforce good floorcraft, it's going to be a free-for-all on the dance floor. Have your first-aid kit and neosporin handy!"

Honour

I told Man Yung not to ask the lady on the opposite side of the table to dance.  "I'm not sure whether the guy sitting next to her is her partner," I said.  "If you ask her to dance, he's going to ask me to dance and I don't want to dance with him - but I'll have to because he is Osvaldo's 'friend'."

It was really crowded at Yira Yira and Man Yung was bored because none of the porteña milongueras he usually dances with were at the milonga.  "No, I'm sure it'll be fine - he won't ask you if you don't look at him," said Man Yung with his usual great judgment about these things. 

Up he goes to ask her - and surprise, surprise, the guy I didn't want to dance with immediately stands up to ask me to dance despite the fact that I was looking everywhere else but in his direction.  I am not pleased but I get up anyway.

I should have turned him down.  Within half a second, a couple bumps into us.  Two seconds later, it's our turn to bump into someone.  Another half a second - I get kicked in the shins.

Ouch.

"Whoops-a-daisies! Whoops-a-daisies!"  The guy pretends to be sorry about the bumper-car ride, but I get this feeling that it happens to him and his partners all the time.  It's completely normal and he really isn't feeling too bad about it.  This goes on for three minutes, and at the grande finale we get SHOVED. Chan-Chan!

I scowl.

"Whoops, sorry about all that!  The people here are a little crazy!" he said cheerfully.  Since he is a 'funny' guy (yep, hilarious) he adds, "Should I go over there to the guy who just shoved us and tell him off?"

"Not only should you do that - you should go and kill him."

It takes a second for him to digest what I just said.  He smiled sheepishly. "Sure, alright, ok, let's go - I'm not much of a fighter though, but I'll do my best!"

"Don't worry about it. I'm a black belt.  I'll give you a hand if you have any problem kicking his ass."

He swallowed nervously.  "Ah....uh....ha ha, I'm only joking, I think he is Osvaldo's friend, we should try to be nice..."

I look at him straight in the eye.  "In that case, we definitely have to kill him - and then bury him once he is dead so that no one will find out."

Did he just turn a couple of shades whiter?  It was hard to tell in the dim lighting. But guess what - bumping during the last tango of the tanda was suddenly reduced by 85%!

Moral of the story:

1.  You have no business inviting a lady to dance on a dangerously crowded dance floor if you don't have the ability to protect her.

2.  If your lady partner gets hurt, don't offer to defend her honour if you don't mean it.  If you make such an offer, be prepared to follow through with it - that's what's expected of a gentleman.

3.  "But what if I'm not a gentleman?  I'm just a lizard/rat/single-celled microorganism" - Well, then, read the first sentence of #2 above again. And then read #1.

4.  Don't give yourself excuses that you can't avoid collisions because it's too crowded, you don't have enough skill, the people around you are crazy, etc. etc.  With a little bit of motivation and a little more care, you too can reduce your usual collision quotient by a whopping 85%!

5.  "Irene, haven't you learned your lesson?  It doesn't matter if they are Osvaldo's friend, Manolo's friend, Man Yung's friend, or even YOUR friend.  If you don't want to dance with them, you should just turn them ALL down if they don't use the cabeceo.  The world will be a happier place, with a lot less dead bodies!"

Evolution

Evolutionary stages of a Tango Leader/Navigator:

1.  Too chicken to step onto a dance floor - even if it is completely empty and big enough to house a decent sized milonga

2.  On the dance floor - but going completely against the line of dance (your instructor never told you the right direction to go!)

3.  Bumping into everyone and being pitied because you are shaking and in a cold sweat and looking sheepish because you can't coordinate your arms, legs and torso AND remember all the movements you are supposed to execute

4.  Bumping into everyone and getting the evil eye because you only know a few figures and you just HAVE to complete every step sequence you have drilled in your brain even if the next step will barrel you into couples in your immediate vicinity

5.  Bumping into everyone and getting the evil eye because you think you are a rock star tango genius just because you stole a couple of steps from Youtube and you don't care about hurting other people on the dance floor - such is your urge to "exhibit" all your talents

6.  Bumping into everyone because you are a "Tango Professional" with an impressive resume and all lower tango mortals should part and give way before you like the Red Sea before Moses

7.  Bumping into everyone because you only learned how to dance "Big" and no matter how skilled and experienced you became, you still need a good two meter radius around you to avoid collisions

8.  Bumping into everyone because even though you have finally learned how to dance "Small" you bounce unpredictably in four -no eight, or maybe sixteen - different directions (a good clear two meter radius around you is still a good idea)

9.  Bumping into everyone because you don't understand that you aren't supposed to tailgate - you are still hung up on the erroneous idea that "People aren't supposed to step backwards into the line of dance/step backwards at all" [I assure you, you got it wrong - you are supposed to leave enough space between you and the couple in front of you so that the couple in front of you can take a step back or execute a giro on the spot]

10.  Getting bumped into because even though you try to avoid danger by dancing small or by pausing, you are not quick enough mentally or physically to avoid the crazy dancers who have you in their collision path

11.  Not getting bumped into yourself because you are using your partner as a human shield

12.  Your partner dances with you with closed eyes in a very crowded milonga and it feels like there's no-one in the room but the two of you.  You have the ability to avoid 95% of the collisions using navigational expertise and razor honed agility - the other 5% which you can't avoid you turn at the last moment to absorb errant stilettos, elbows and bodies with your back...

CONGRATULATIONS!  Made it to the top of the Tango Evolutionary Ladder!

Irene and Man Yung discuss navigation problems #1: Leading with your eyes closed

"Surely there must be some situations where a leader can dance with his eyes closed," said Man Yung.  "Like, for example, when he is totally overcome with the passionate emotions of the music."

I frowned.  "I don't agree.  If there are other couples around and/or if there are obstacles in the room creating a collision hazard - you know, like tables, chairs, lit candles, cactii, mirrors, walls etc. - a leader has to keep his eyes OPEN.  It's not just his own safety he has to think about, but also the safety of his partner and all the other dancing couples around him."

"So, only time a leader could close his eyes is if there are NO hazards.  Like, a large room, and no people or a few people around."

"Make that a HUGE room, preferably the size of a sports stadium, padded with foam on all sides like they have in insane asylums, with absolutely NO people around except the two of you dancing looney bins."

So sorry to burst Man Yung's bubble and all the bubbles of you eye-closing, don't know where you are headed, "Whoops I bumped into someone again!" Tangueros out there!  However, if you still want to experience the thrill of "eyes shut" activities, you can always try the following:

Blindfolded Piñata bashing:

Blindfolded Pin the Tail on the Donkey:

Blindfolded knife throwing:

And for the really advanced - The Blind leading the Blind!:

** Being a "milonguero" or "close embrace" dancer dancing really close and with teeny-weeny steps does not mean that you are less of a menace if you dance with your eyes closed - our previous ranting can be found here.