Saturday, October 7, 2017

Random Complaints

Man Yung asked me last week, "Hey, why haven't you written anything on the blog lately?"

"I don't feel like saying anything,"  I said.

"Are you afraid of offending someone?"

"As if!" I replied. "I've got lots of complaints.  I just haven't gotten around to making a funny story about them!"

1.  Ladies with their stiletto heels in the air

Seems to be a trend lately.  The skinnier and younger they are, the more they kick.  Spiked feet slicing through the air without any consideration for others. And sometimes the leaders aren't even leading boleos!

They even end every tango with one leg snapped upwards.  Scroll through photos of these ladies in Facebook and in 50% of the photos those heels are pointed to the ceiling and ready to impale.

Is it just empty headed reckless dance enthusiasm or some strange mindset about tango aesthetics?  Doesn't it matter that they may hurt some tango sister nearby? Is there no chivalry among women anymore?

Keep those darn heels on the friggin' floor!

2.   Have Tango DJs finally run out of Canyengue music - and have to resort to Circus tunes?

It's bad enough that at some milongas we have to hear Canyengues interspaced with tandas of D'Arienzo, Biagi and Donato.  ALL NIGHT.

But it could be worse.  They could run out of Canyengues.  That's when the cleverest DJs in Toronto will start to play Circus Tango Music.  Monkeys on unicycles sliding down tightropes under the big top kind of music.  Just to complete the picture - the monkeys are chomping roses, wearing tuxedos and red sequinned fishnet dresses with fringes while yodelling, spinning, leaping and juggling bananas.

What, you don't know what I'm talking about?

Then you failed to make the mental association, and in fact enjoyed dancing the tanda enormously - even applauding the DJ heartily for the lively and "fun" tanda.

3.  Stomping randomly at tango music is not a "good" tango step.  In fact it is not even a step.

The step sequences on Youtube are just too difficult to copy.  But the leader did stomp.  I can stomp.  Maybe I should do it too!

Whoops, you missed the beat when you stomped.

Apart from being meaningless, your stomping is actually showcasing your lack of musicality.  You should really stop doing it and stick to the 8 count basic.  You can fudge the music less noticeably that way, trust me.

4.  How did so many people lose their sense of smell?

I can not stand dancing with people who smell like ripe armpits.  Or onions.  Or rotten fish.  I couldn't even stand dancing with people who just smell like "nothing" or "neutral".

Give me a dance partner who smells like a citrus grove or a flower explosion any day.

But why is it that so many people are still happy to dance with dancers who smell awful?  Are they just being polite?  Is there something wrong with their noses?

Or are the smelly people dancing so fantastic that their awesome dance skills override any urge by their partners to vomit?

5.  What's up with staring at yourself in the mirror while dancing?

I can't believe people are still doing this.  I thought people had stopped deluding themselves.

Fourteen years ago when we first started tango, there was this guy who would stare at the mirror the whole time he was dancing.  It was like he was so amazed by his own cirque du soleil tango moves he couldn't stop looking at himself.

He eventually realized that he wasn't as good as he thought he was.  Doesn't dance tango very much anymore.   Good - because all that looking at himself in the mirror and not looking at where he was going was seriously bad for his navigation skills.

Now there's ANOTHER guy who can't stop staring at himself in the mirror when he dances.  And the way he dances - he's practically the first guy's spiritual dance twin.

They should get together and do a show.  We'll play Circus Tango music while they fling and stare endlessly at themselves in the mirror.  It may be tricky for them to juggle bananas without keeping their eye on the bananas, but I'm sure they will be incredibly impressed with themselves anyway.

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