The Crispy B.B.Q. Pork Equation 2: We explain using Tango examples why your Chinese B.B.Q. doesn't taste that good

 "I made this crispy B.B.Q. pork all by myself!"

We aren't having much luck with our Chinese B.B.Q. lately.

Man Yung is rolling his eyes in exasperation.  "Not again!  This crispy B.B.Q. pork is not only not crispy, it is oily and tasteless as well!"

And I thought that after the life lessons learnt in "The Crispy B.B.Q. Pork Equation", we would forever more only make totally failproof B.B.Q. purchases.  After all, don't we order crispy B.B.Q. pork by the "bone" and not by the pound? Are we not "chums" with the B.B.Q. chef and know all about "secret handshake"?  And aren't we always choosing the best B.B.Q. meats solely based on the flavour and texture due to the fat to meat ratio, irregardless of health and diet concerns?

No, we are not doing anything wrong - in fact we are doing everything right.  But as we all know by now, the Crispy B.B.Q. Pork Equation is not about getting $10 of value for $10.  It is not even about getting $8 of value for $10, or $6.99 of value for $3.99, etc.

Just look at these very annoying recent examples:

1.    I made it myself!

We got invited to a pot luck party recently.  In order for there to be variety in the food at the party, the hostess arranged for everyone to be responsible for a different dish.  Mr. White will bring the sushi, Mr. Orange will bring the roasted chicken, Mr. Blonde will be responsible for the salads, and Mr. Pink will bring the crispy B.B.Q. roasted pork.*

* And afterwards we all went on a diamond heist.  We have a very busy schedule on the weekends.

So everyone showed up at the party and brought their designated dish.  All the food was delightfully enjoyed by all - except for Mr. Pink's crispy B.B.Q. roasted pork.

"Come on guys!  There's still plenty left over!  Don't you want some?  It's good - I made it myself!" proclaimed Mr. Pink.

No, we didn't want any of the B.B.Q. pork.  Instead of being crispy, the skin was as tough as leather.  And instead of being tender and juicy, the meat was as dry as the Sahara desert.

Somebody quick, tell Mr. Pink that you can't make your own B.B.Q. pork in your oven to the same standard that you could get in any ol' B.B.Q. take-out in town!  The B.B.Q. chef roasts the whole pig at once - a small piece of pork would dry out in the heat of your oven just like that.  In addition, the B.B.Q. chef has perforated the skin with a professional grade needle brush like, hundreds of times in order to prepare the skin for roasting into a golden crispiness.  A couple of stabs with a dining fork will not give you the same effect.

And really, Mr. Pink - how much would it cost to buy your crispy B.B.Q. pork from the take-out?  $5.00 per pound?  $6.00 per pound?  Yes, you saved some pennies "making your own" but you really have wasted all your money and your effort when not even the dog would eat what you made.

TANGO EQUIVALENT:  Those clever dancers who "poo-poo" taking lessons since they could save their hard-earned cash and learn everything by watching Youtube!   And are they still wondering why no-one wants to invite them to dance at the milonga?

2.  Refried, refried, and refried again

There's a fascinating B.B.Q. take-out at Peachtree Centre in Markham.   Whenever we are in the plaza, we always make sure we pass by so we could gawk....in absolute horror.

"OMG Man Yung, just look at the colour on that piece of crispy B.B.Q. pork!"  I whispered really loudly to Man Yung.

Yes indeed, it was something quite special to see.  The pork was evenly BLACK - on the outside...and the inside!

The B.B.Q. duck, the honey B.B.Q. pork, and the B.B.Q. chicken didn't fare much better.

We've tried to surreptitiously take a photo of the B.B.Q. counter but the B.B.Q. chef was always hovering nearby glaring angrily at gawkers like ourselves. We didn't want to risk getting a meat cleaver thrown at us so we just pretended to pass by on our way to another store.

In order to save money and reduce waste, the B.B.Q. chef took the stale B.B.Q. leftovers from the previous day - and he just deep fried them again and hung them out for sale the next day.  Moreover, he never roasted a whole pig - he'd buy just a section, for example, half a rib cage, and roast that.  And as you can see in our cautionary tale in #1 above, the best results are reached in roasting the whole pig at once.  If you roast only a part of a pig (especially in an industrial-sized oven) or refry your meat again and again throughout the week, you will get a product that is closer to being charcoal than meat. 

And the most horrible thing was - some intrepid customers still went to eat at that shop!  Either they couldn't tell the difference, or they liked their meat to taste like coals and ashes - or, they were just cheap, because you can get a bowl of noodles with a side of really burnt B.B.Q. with a pop for like, three bucks.*

* But you can pretty much get decent lunch with a drink from any Chinese take-out for $3.00, so WTF, why are you guys still going to eat there?

TANGO EQUIVALENT:  When not so good Tango Dancers decide to become not so good Tango Instructors.

They may be of the "undercooked" sort - they've only been dancing for X number of months, they have learned either very little or learned something wrong - but now they have decided that they are ready to out there and teach.  Or, they might had been dancing for ages, but they learned how to Tango in the nineties from the luminaries of various "Traveling Tango Extravaganzas" - and therefore still have no clue about dancing in a social setting.  Or, they have never been particularly talented dancers or have particularly relevant insights into dancing, but they have been dancing so long, it's time to "Graduate" and become Tango instructors.

What these chaps have to offer is not good to begin with or quite possibly refried, but some oddballs will still take their classes.  As we had said, "Nobody could tell the difference/Some like the taste of ashes/Some are cheap!"  You go girl! (guy!)

3.  Looks good, but is not so good

We have been looking and looking for a good B.B.Q. take-out for ages.  We thought we found a good one at Midland and Sheppard - but then the quality of their crispy B.B.Q. pork has suddenly gone down lately.  We thought we found a promising one at Midland and McNicoll after we tasted some of the B.B.Q. duck there - but then we were disappointed AGAIN when we bought some crispy B.B.Q. pork today.

"I thought the B.B.Q. pork skin looked quite good on the outside, and it's kind of crispy - it has all the visual factors to indicate a well-roasted pig.  But why is the meat so fat, and so tasteless?" asked Man Yung.

"You know what, I knew something was wrong when you told me that your order of two bones cost $13.00.  As far as I know, the average cost of two bones is about $8.00 to $10.00 at the most." I replied.

As we might have mentioned before, the key to making delicious crispy B.B.Q. pork is to puncture the skin of your roast a sufficient number of times prior to roasting.  This serves two functions. Firstly, it changes the texture of the skin so that when it roasts, it becomes crispy.  Secondly, the holes allow the sub-cutaneous fat under the skin to liquify in the heat into oil and seep out of the skin during roasting.

It seems that B.B.Q. chefs have become quite innovative.  Perhaps it's because their costs are up - wholesale food prices have increased, as have utilities and rent - or perhaps they just want more profit.

Instead of puncturing the skin all the way to the fat underneath, the chefs have just punctured the skin, short of the layer of fat.  This way, the skin still ends up kind of crispy - but the fat has no way to escape.  The resulting roast is heavier - and the B.B.Q. chef will make more money from it.  So, our $13.00 has bought us the same amount of meat that we would have purchased in an $8.00 pre-B.B.Q. "innovation" order - but with $5.00 of extra fat.  Our order is less tasty too because the B.B.Q. chef has applied the same amount of marinade, which has to season the 30% of extra fat remaining in the roast.

TANGO EQUIVALENT: Championship Style Salon Tango Clones.  They look more elegant, they "walk" more fine.  They win more prizes, they have better resumes and marketing and they make more money!

But they don't taste good at all - where's the music, where's the soul?  Apparently , these "Barbie and Ken Championship Salon Tango dolls" are manufactured somewhere in China so that the people who are attracted by exterior appearance alone and can't tell the difference between "Zombie-like, by the rulebook going-through-the-motions movements robotically "timed" to the music (and yes, they can program that, down to the pauses and the footwork and stuff!)" and real, flesh and blood dancing will open their wallets for classes and more classes. 

And what should we do with the remaining crispy B.B.Q. pork?  "Don't worry, we'll add a little savoury shrimp sauce, some chives, and some Tofu, and turn this tasteless meat into a delicious "Big Horse Stand!"* said Man Yung.

* Big Horse Stand:  A Chinese Tofu dish using leftover crispy B.B.Q. pork with strong stinky salty shrimp sauce as seasoning.  This makes even the worst leftovers taste better.  They used to serve this at horse stations to open-air restaurant stalls - therefore the weird name!

Skill

There has been some interesting posts and discussions lately on Arlene's and Tangocommuter's blogs on choreography and learning Tango - that, and Man Yung's perpetual interest in appropriating "steps" from Youtube videos - has led me to think about the topic of "Skill" in Tango.

Man Yung can get pretty excited about things that some Tango Professionals can do in a “Tango Performance.” Dazzled at the videos especially of the young “up-and-coming” athletic ones, Man Yung often laments our lack of ‘Skill’.

“Look at these guys – they are amazing! We should learn from this. We need to work on our skills!” he says.

Faster than a fire-fighting helicopter unloading water over a forest fire, I rain scorn on Man Yung’s parade.

“What exactly should we be learning from this?” I ask. “How to jump higher? Spin faster? Walk straighter? Or is this just another manifestation your mid-life crisis?”

Instead of drawing our pistols and trying to shoot each other High-Noon style, Man Yung and I started to brainstorm about the topic of Skills and Tango – and their Subsets.

Skills – Subset 1.0

I think most people get fixated on this one: “Skill” as the ability to execute movements – with or without a partner.

Part of it comes from nature – being naturally strong and limber, having bodies that move attractively and gracefully (and that looks good in dancewear, being it leotards or suits), having a good memory for choreography and sequences, being able to hear the beat and/or music and to move to it in a meaningful way.

The other part comes from nurture – practicing really hard in order to master “moves”, or listening to music repetitively to remember and recognize “cues” for movement, in order to “dance to the beat” or “dance to the music using preset choreography”, etc.

Skill points in this section will enable one to literally “Jump higher”, “Spin faster”, “Walk straighter”, and “Explode during the intense fugue-like sections of Pugliese”. Or even “perform tango-like dancing while dribbling a football”.

"What is THAT???!!!??"

"I don't know, but it sure took a lot of SKILL to make!"

Strangely enough, having these “Skills” alone will not a great Tango dancer make – although many will be very impressed.

Skills – Subset 2.0

The wonderful older dancers whom I’ve danced with – I’ll term them as the “Milongueros” for the sake of convenience – always led what they wanted the follower to do.

Seems a simple enough concept. However, I have also danced with other, non-Milonguero Tango Dancers of High Repute (professional or non-professional) anticipating a wonderful tanda…. only to fall into a Tango Abyss.

Let me explain. Everything would be going along smoothly… and then comes... a moment of “nothing”. My partner waits, expecting me to do something… for which he has utterly and absolutely no lead.

His leading is full of holes! Bottomless ones! How embarrassing and awkward. The Leader may continue to wait, or start to shove – or even open his mouth and start to explain the choreography that I was supposed to do is response to his unled cue!

Sigh. It’s too bad, because the said “Tango Dancers of High Repute”, having oodles of Skill Subset 1.0, always looked so great – whether on stage, or on the dance floor dancing with his partner or other ladies. These Leaders are like a genetically engineered apples – looking so dewy, so shiny, so juicy, so yummy, you just couldn’t help but want to take a bite… only end up with a mouthful of “apple particleboard.”

While these Leaders reveal their lack, Followers in the same category usually exhibit a surfeit. Instead of following, they are doing too much. Twisting, tapping, leg lifting, “jumping ochos” (don’t ask, but someone was teaching them in their Women’s Technique workshops), dreaded double and triple-step “traspies”…

“Look, she’s doing a tap-dancing solo around her partner!” one might be moved to exclaim.

This only proves that Skill Subset 1.0 may make you a mightly fine soloist – but that alone cannot guarantee that you’d be an enjoyable tango partner to dance with. Unless you also have a good dose of Skill Subset 2.0.

So what is Skill Subset 2.0?

I believe it is the skill to be able to lead what you want to lead (for a Leader), and to follow what is being led (for a Follower). I’ve read somewhere mention “micro leading” somewhere – but that term is not even sufficient to describe what is happening. Dancing with some of the Milongueros, I got the impression that they led with more than arm movements, body positioning and muscle spasms. There was never any guesswork on my part as to what they wanted to lead because their entire being “communicated” and “sang”.

As for the Milongueras, they have this superhuman sensitivity to “hearing” whatever Man Yung was trying to lead – in fact, their whole bodies seemed to be listening intently for the lead. They would not move if there was no leading – but what was led, they immediately understood and followed.

During our class with them, Osvaldo and Coca Cartery emphasized that we should dance with gentleness and tenderness – love, if we could manage it. Partners in the dance shouldn’t impose on each other by force or stratagem. Our gentleness facilitated our communication in the leading and following. Any video of Osvaldo and Coca would show the sweet, passionate duet that is taking place between them.

Skill subset 2.0 involves the ability to communicate with our partners – and the ability to keep the channels of communication free from clutter. Now, that’s some awesome Skill – even though it’s something that you could only feel and not actually see.

Skill – Subset 3.0

We don’t live in a perfect world – and no matter what our level of Skill (Subsets 1.0 or 2.0) misunderstanding and obstacles arise. Skill Subset 3.0 steps in to save the day – and it’s none other but the ability to improvise within the context of Tango.

What if the follower mis-steps or misunderstands? Leaders without the necessary skill to save the situation will either have to stop and start again – or continue in the rut of his choreography and somehow manhandle and shoe-horn the follower into the step sequence. Conversely, Leaders with Skill Subset 3.0 will smoothly accommodate and assimilate the Follower’s misstep and do something else. Sometimes this is done so seamlessly the Follower would not even know that there was ever any problem.

Likewise, the Skilled Follower will “cover” for the Leader’s missteps - because Leaders can get distracted or confused and end up with a gap in their lead. This has to be done discretely and judiciously though – covering up can go too far for a smart Follower and end up as a"tap dancing solo".

Skill Subset 3.0 also provides the Leader with the ability to deal with obstacles on the dance floor. If a space opens up or closes, or if bodies suddenly cut into the line of dance in front, a Leader with Skill Subset 3.0 will not have to stop moving, return to the corner and start his dance routine again – something we have seen in Chinese Ballroom dance halls! A skilled Leader will keep on going and keep on expressing the music, unperturbed.

In fact, a non-skilled Leader may even use his body and his partner’s bodies as weapons, charging and slashing and bumping through the crowd to make space for his step sequences, thus imposing his “will” and flagrantly obnoxious choreography onto the other dancers on the dance floor.

Imagine if a gaggle of such geeses (or crash of such hippopotami) appear at the same time at the same milonga! Such is the damage that could be done to a milonga and a dance community when Leaders lack Skill Subset 3.0!*

* Back in the “Good Old Days” the geese and the hippos would get tossed out of the Buenos Aires milongas when they were being disruptive on the dance floor. These days they could stay and continue to be recipients of the "evil eye" by everyone around them - just by the virtue of having paid to get in.

Postscript:

There must be other “Skills” out there, but we perversely focused on the above three Subsets to keep this post under 1500 words!

An ideal Tango Dancer will have all the Skills above, but unfortunately, many go out and perform and teach only by the strength of what they have in Subset 1.0.

As I have said, “Many will be very impressed”. We’ve seen local dancers of Buenos Aires milongas looking very amused at foreign tango dancers doing their best in exhibiting their talents at Skill Subset 1.0. All that flapping about can be very entertaining! And lucrative, in tango communities where the gold standard for Tango can be found in episodes of “Dancing with the Stars”.

For those who may not have a whole lot of Skill Subset 1.0 – don’t be disheartened. Rest assured that you don’t have to dance flashy, you don’t even have to dance complicated to be a good dancer if you have sufficient amounts of Skill Subsets 2.0 and 3.0.

You may not be "Entertaining" in all the wrong ways - but what you will get when the Buenos Aires locals see you at their milongas is RESPECT.

The Crispy B.B.Q. Pork Equation

My mother put a few dollars in my hand and a shopping list. I was nine and therefore finally old enough to be entrusted with the onerous responsibility of buying a few groceries at the clean new market - so off I went. Short, skinny, disheveled and wearing a tatty hand-me-down t-shirt two sizes too big, I ambled up the steep white concrete sidewalk in my flip-flops to "Chi Fu Commercial Centre", the brand new mall serving our brand new highrise neighbourhood of Chi Fu Fa Yuen.

Chi Fu Commercial Centre, Hong Kong

Mom kept it simple - my chinese was not good as I went to an English school and I wasn't too smart! I had to buy a few eggs which I had to hold up one by one to the lightbulb dangling in the egg section in the supermarket to check for "impurities". To this day I still don't know what I was looking at or looking for, but luckily I never bought too many rotten eggs! I also had to buy a piece of fish belly at the fish stall. It was fascinating looking at the still beating hearts and lungs of the newly slaughtered and halved fish lying grotesquely on ice.

The easiest part of my shopping expedition was the B.B.Q. pork. You can find cantonese-style B.B.Q. everywhere you go in Hong Kong and in expatriate chinese communities everywhere around the world. It's just as common, and important, to chinese people as asado is to the Argentinians - but chinese people are just much more low-key about it. In fact, chinese people eat so much chinese B.B.Q. it could almost be considered it's own separate food group.

Cantonese-style B.B.Q.

"Ask the man at the counter for $10 worth of Char Siu - extra lean," Mom said. So I did. The man at the counter unceremoniously took my $10 bill, grabbed a random piece of Char Siu hanging from the metal skewer, chopped it up, put it in the container, and shoved it back at me through the window. Mission accomplished!

Fast forward fifteen years later to Toronto, Canada. B.B.Q. pork is one of Man Yung's favourite foods - goes exceptionally well with Scotch. He was busy teaching karate class so he asked me to drive out to what he considered the best B.B.Q. joint in town at Sheppard and Brimley.

"Tell the man at the counter that you want 'two bones' of Siu Yuk," Man Yung said.

"What the hell is 'two bones'?" I asked. "How many pounds does that weigh? How much does it cost?"

Man Yung had to hurry back to class. "Just ask for 'two bones'!" he said before whipping back into the dojo.

At the B.B.Q. counter, I was still confused. What is "two bones" worth of anything? Which bones was he talking about? Leg bones? Head bones? Or was it some ancient chinese measurement like a "tael" or a "catty"?

It was my turn. "What do you want?" asked the man at the counter.

I looked at the $20 bill that Man Yung had given me. "Ummm...... how much Siu Yuk can I get for $20?"

I ended up with four pounds of the driest, leanest part of pork rump. Eating it was a little bit like munching sawdust.

"You should have asked for 'two bones'," said Man Yung as he choked down a mouthful.

It was a sad day when I started to realize that certain things are meant to be vague, mysterious and unquantifiable, and some things in life cannot be reduced to a series of logical equations. I wish that it was not so, and that Mom's way of looking at things would always be right. If you ask for $10 worth of something, you should get at least $10 of value back.

"That's what you may think," Man Yung said, reading this post. "When you went to buy your Char Siu in Hong Kong, I'm pretty sure the B.B.Q. place cheated you. What kind of idiot asks for $10 worth of Char Siu? It just shows to the B.B.Q. people that you have no idea how B.B.Q. works. That's why the man at the counter was so rude to you all the time. He could give you $8 worth, or $9 worth - and he knew neither you nor your mom would ever know the difference. You have to talk in his language to get his respect."

In all, you have to know the "Secret Handshake" of Chinese B.B.Q. to get decent B.B.Q.! From more than a decade of experience, I can tell you this is what I know now:

1. A "bone" of Siu Yuk refers to one of the ribs on a half pig. The rib is the tastiest part of the pig for "B.B.Q. connoisseurs" like Man Yung, and to people who make B.B.Q. The layered fat and meat means that this part is the juiciest part of the pig - and the meat will not be overly greasy, or have large chunks of fat attached. The meat will also be intensely flavoured because the spices and marinade are spread on the inside of the rib cage before roasting.

2. The rib is where the crispy skin, fat and meat on the rib are in perfect proportion to each other. On the other hand, bite sized pieces of the rump always have either too much dry meat or large pieces of fat. Since the meat and fat are thick on the rump, the marinade will not reach the meat and it tastes bland.

3. You always order two, or at most three bones for a meal for the average family. One bone is too thin and therefore almost impossible to slice accurately from the hanging carcass, especially if the roast is piping hot from the oven. "Goddamn that woman asking for one bone and ONLY one bone! I almost burnt my fingers off!" we overheard the B.B.Q. chef say, talking about the customer ahead of us in the line one day.

A request for "four bones" will elicit the question: "Do you want that chopped or not?" People usually order four bones so they have a whole intact piece to put in front of the altar at the temple as an offering to the gods or to the ancestral spirits.

Six bones, on the other hand appears to be default amount for people holding a "thrifty" wedding banquet. Chinese people must have roasted pork at their weddings for good luck. The rich can afford a whole roasted suckling (unfortunately, the little ones are more succulent) pig at each table of the wedding banquet, but the poor may have to make do with just a large piece of a big pig. Nowadays the wedding guests eat the roasted pork right at the banquet, but in the good ol' days, the groom received the bride first into his house - and if she was a virgin as advertised, the groom's family will send the bride's family a roasted pig on the third day.

To this day, my parents are still waiting for the roast pig delivery.

4. Asking a B.B.Q. chef for "$10" or "a pound" of rib Siu Yuk, or even Char Siu, means that you don't know what you are talking about or that you are looking for trouble. In order to make it exactly to "$10" or "a pound", the chef will have to leave half or a quarter of rib, or a part of a piece of Char Siu still hanging on the skewer. He's going to have a hard time selling to another customer what you didn't want in your quest for the exact "$10" amount or "a pound", and he will curse you for it.

5. To the B.B.Q. chef, rump of Siu Yuk is the favourite of people who don't care for flavour: for little kids who want the fat to be clearly demarcated from the meat so they can spit it out ("Fat! Ewwww!") and for upper-class people over-fastidious about what they eat ("I'll just have a little bit of white meat on the side, thank you. Just a tad. And no sauce. I'm watching my cholesterol"). Ditto for "extra-lean" Char Siu - it's for kids who don't understand the flavour in a little fat, and people watching their diet. Health be damned, B.B.Q. in its most greasy, juicy, burnt, salty, intense glory is to be savoured and enjoyed!

Order "two bones" of Siu Yuk or a piece of "half lean half fat" Char Siu from the B.B.Q chef and you can sometimes watch him smile secretly to himself and go dreamy-eyed. He's thinking back to old days when people knew how to order B.B.Q. and weren't so picky and uptight about getting their $10 or a pound's worth of B.B.Q. He may also be thinking about how wonderful it would be to chew on a couple of ribs of Siu Yuk accompanied by a shot of rice wine in front of the t.v. after a hard day's work. Not only do we get a smiling B.B.Q. chef happy to serve us who will recognize us and treat us like regular customers right away, we may even get some extra B.B.Q. for free!

So as for Chinese B.B.Q., it is for Tango (you knew that this was coming, right?)

If everything works in Tango as my mother thought it should for Chinese B.B.Q., the amount of effort I put in Tango should equate to the Tango result I get at the end of the day. But is this true?

When I'm well-rested, wearing comfortable shoes, dancing on a very good smooth floor to the best music, does this mean that I will dance my best?

No.

When I've danced my best, will I be able to achieve my best again if I try consciously to duplicate everything I did on that former occasion (down to the adornments I was doing and the perfume I was wearing)?

No.

Do dancers who have taken classes with fifty or more "big name, big hype" teachers dance better than someone who has only followed one or a few local or less well-known teachers?

Not necessarily.

Do dancers who have spent $$ on private classes always dance better than dancers who have only taken group classes and never spent a dime on a private class?

Not at all.

Will a dancer who has traveled to Buenos Aires ten times, or has spent ten months (or more) in Buenos Aires end up dancing better than dancers who stayed home?

Not in Toronto that we've seen.

Will channeling "Fino Rivera" or "Tete" or "Fabian Peralta" or "Javier Rodriguez" or "Chicho Frumboli" or "Pablo Veron" or the current ubiquitous trendy "Campeonato style" in posture, step repertoire, haircut and fashion details make you as good a dancer as the original (or at least getting there?)

Humbug.

Would the ability to write good resume, to craft an ambitious "Tango World Domination Master Game Plan" and plenty of effort in self-promotion make you better at Tango?

As George W. Bush once said: "You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on." But it won't make you better at Tango.

Unfortunately, it seems from our tango experience that $10 in Tango input does not equate in a $10 Tango return. It may even result in considerably less!

"What kind of idiot is looking for a good rate, or equivalent rate of return on their Tango investment?" asked Man Yung. "Why can't they just enjoy it without worrying about what they can get out of it or what kind of status they can achieve with it?"

Scientists and economists have not yet been able to identify and measure units of Tango. Sometimes, grasping at all of Tango's mysterious, nebulous Tango-ness can be quite frustrating.

Luckily, Tango is one of the things that can give you a lot more than you intentionally put in. On good days, Tango can even give you a little bit of the infinite.

Happy 2010 to everyone and may everyone find vast amounts of Tango bliss wherever they go!

Dance Popularity Quotient

Are you an astounding dancer but a perennial wallflower? Are you an appalling dancer but have dance partners are lined up around the block for a chance to boogie with you?

Wonder no more at these and other "mysteries" of that "mysterious" dance called "Tango" - take this handy special Holiday Edition quiz to reveal your "Toronto Tango Dance Popularity Quotient"!

1. You are:

a) Male, under 30 (add 10 points)
b) Male, over 30 (add 10 points)
c) Male, Milonguero (add 50 points. You've got that extra-special Tango cachet)
d) Male, "Toronto Milonguero" (add 500 points. No, it doesn't mean you are necessarily as good a dancer as an actual "Milonguero" - not only are you often failing to improvise, you actually delight in doing the "bumper-car" on the dance floor. Your true popularity is all about the laws of geographical supply and demand)

2. You are:

a) Female, under 30 (add 25 points)
b) Female, between 30 - 40 (no points)
c) Female, over 40 (minus 25 points, with further 10 point deduction for every month over 45)

3. Guys, what are you wearing tonight?

a) Clean suit (add 25 points)
b) Sweaty suit (add 25 points)
c) Untucked shirt and baggy pants (add 25 points)
d) Shorts and Hawaii shirt (add 25 points)
e) Pajamas (add 25 points)

4. Ladies, what are you wearing tonight?

a) Cargo pants and tatty t-shirt (add 10 points)
b) Black and red dress with sequins and fringe (add 10 points)
c) Skirts with pants (add 10 points, and bonus 10 points because this is a costume signifying that you can also lead and you will ask other ladies to dance)
d) Something nice and classy that doesn't scream "TANGO"! (add 10 points)
e) Your skirt is so short your butt is hanging out/Your neckline is so low I can see your bellybutton (add 100 points)

5. Ladies, how about shoes?

a) Dance sneakers (add 10 points)
b) Tango shoes, but not 4 inch high Comme Il Fauts (add 10 points)
c) 4 inch high Comme Il Fauts (add 20 points)
d) Flip flops (add 10 points)
e) Barefoot (add 10 points)
f) One shoe on and one shoe off (you are obviously the belle of the ball)

6. Hairstyles for men:

a) Full head of hair (add 10 points)
b) No hair (add 10 points)
c) Balding (add 10 points)
d) Massive elaborate head-turning byzantine comb-over (add 10 points)
e) Toupee (add 10 points)

7. Men's dance skills:

a) Dance to the beat (add 10 points)
b) Don't dance to the beat (add 10 points)
c) Many dragging and leaning movements in your repetoire (add 10 points. Indeed, you must be the head of some Toronto Tango organization)
d) Many ganchos, voleos, colgadas and volcadas in your repetoire (add 10 points. See 7c) above)
e) You don't do "steps". "Steps" are for monkeys. Real men just walk with their eyes closed (add 10 points)
f) Sometimes you trip and drop your partner on the floor (You must be really good to be that fancy. Maybe you are an instructor! Add 20 points)

8. Women's dance skills:

a) No adornments (add 10 points)
b) Many adornments (add 10 points)
c) Continuous ochos (minus 10 points)
d) Spontaneous ganchos (minus 10 points)
e) You unintentionally flip your partner's "little brother" with your knee (minus 50 points)
f) Expressions of moist glistening ecstasy (add 50 points)
e) You unintentionally flip your partner's "little brother" with your knee while wearing an expression of moist glistening ecstasy (For some men, you can add 100 points. For other men, you can minus 1,000 points)

9. My conversations with my dance partners on the dance floor consist of:

a) Neutral chit-chat (add 5 points)
b) Blank awkward stares (no points)
c) Sarcasm (minus 5 points)
d) Mild flattery (add 10 points)
e) Unabashed pandering (add 20 points)
f) "Oh... My... GOD! You're the most AMAZING dancer in the world EVER. I don't even need a Medium! Your dancing totally channels the spirit of D'Arienzo/De Angelis/Di Sarli/Rodriguez/Pugliese etc. I SWEAR your dancing makes me feel POSSESSED!" (add 100 points)

10. Official Toronto Tango Status:

a) Male newbie (minus 5 points)
b) Female newbie (add 20 points)
c) Male veteran (add 20 points)
d) Female veteran (no points)
e) Tango DJ (add 25 points)
f) Tango Organizer (add 25 points)
e) Tango Instructor (no points. Last time I checked everyone in Toronto is an Instructor, so it isn't really that much of an advantage)
f) "Fabio" (add 100,000 points)

11. Bonus Round - "Literary Affiliations". You are:

a) Not a Tango Blogger (no points)
b) A Tango Blogger (add 25 points)
c) The Tango Blogger who blogs for "Irene and Man Yung's Tango Blog" (minus 50,000 points)

80 kilos = 176.4 pounds?

I have a good friend in tango who is one of the best followers in Toronto. If there is anyone who is truly "Milonguera" here, it would be her.

All the leaders that have had the privilege of dancing with her know what I am talking about when I say that she is one of the best followers. But does she care that she is one of the best followers in Toronto? Does she mentally replay all the lovely compliments that she receives from the people she dances with and the people who observe her dancing? Does she lie in bed awake at night thinking about where she is ranked on the fabulous echelon of great dancers in Toronto? Does she even read this blog religiously to see whether we have mentioned her name in the context of "great following" or "great dancing"? Does she even care she is "Milonguera" or not?

Actually, no. Therein lies her secret.

She started to learn tango around the same time that Man Yung and I started. Although she felt immediate love and affinity for Tango music, she has never done more or less than any normal, sane person trying to learn the tango in learning how to tango.

Sure, she took some group classes, and maybe a handful of private classes when she was a beginner - but she has never shelled out thousands of dollars for private classes week after week for years from the top instructors. She doesn't attend every single milonga and practica available, and when she does appear at a milonga, she dances only a few good tandas with the best leaders - and enjoys all of them. She has been to Buenos Aires (once), but she didn't take classes from morning to evening every single day and then burn herself out by staying at the milongas until 5 a.m. in the morning every single night. She doesn't have a thousand pairs of tango shoes. She rarely watches tango videos on Youtube, and she doesn't read tango blogs (even when I send her links). She has no idea who Rick McGarrey is, and couldn't care less. She enjoys tango music, but neither the music nor the dance are all-consuming obsessions for her. She has no desire to be DJ, instructor, performer or to become any sort of authority on either the dance or the music. She has a well-balanced life outside of tango - in fact, in living her day-to-day life, she actually has great long moments in which she is not thinking about tango at all (GASP! HORROR!)

Yet, despite all this and despite not having previous dance training/superior alien DNA-infused genetic makeup/Argentinian ancestry etc., my friend is a beautiful tango dancer. That's because when she dances tango, ALL of her dances tango. And when I mean ALL, I mean not an iota more, and not an iota less.

"Not an iota less": This means she is not thinking about who to dance with next, whether she looks good in her outfit today, what she is going to do on the weekend, whether or not to invest in that particular RRSP, etc.

"Not an iota more" (and this is the tricky one): This means she is not thinking of what she should do in the dance to make herself more impressive, more elegant, more stylish, more musical, more "milonguera/tanguera". She is not thinking about about what adornments she should nor should not do, in fact, she is not even thinking about her feet. She is not thinking about adopting any currently chic embrace or fashion or idealogy just so she can appear more "authentic" or "legitimate" in anyone's eyes. She is not thinking about dancing like Samantha/Geraldine/Andrea/Corinna/Milena/Eugenia/Villa Urquiza/Villa Devoto/Nuevo Tango/Nueva Pompeya/Barracas/Boedo/Lanus/Retiro whoever or whatever, and it would not make her any less tango if she did not have to fantasize about emulating someone else's style.

Here's an excerpt from a documentary "El último bandoneón" (The Last Bandoneón) by Alejandro Saderman. In this excerpt, you can also find examples of tango dancing by three women who dance with their "ALL": Margarita, Lidia and Ofelia.






This is priceless:

Javier Rodriguez: "Dancing with women like them is something different. It's not because they weigh 80 kilos. They don't weigh 80 kilos... they are 80 kilos... of tango."

For women like Margarita, Lidia, Ofelia, and my good friend, whether 80 kilos (or 50 kilos, or 150 kilos) equals 176.4 pounds is completely irrelevant. The real question is the question of being. When these women dance, they ARE tango.

Tango Microeconomics

Man Yung came across this in one of the books he was reading and made me go and find it on the internet. I found it here at http://netec.mcc.ac.uk/JokEc.html

Experienced economist and not so experienced economist are walking down the road. They get across shit lying on the asphalt. Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!" Not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures out he's better off eating it so he does and collects money. Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet another shit. Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this shit I'll give YOU $20,000." After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats shit getting the money. They go on. Not so experienced economist starts thinking: "Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before, but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off." Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked the fact that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."

Man Yung has been watching "Numb3rs" recently and this intriguing economics problem set his mind in motion with regards to its "real life application" to the field of "Tango Microeconomics". For example:

Tango Dancer A reads the ads for the latest visiting "Fabio" workshop ("The Best Tango Classes You will EVER have!", they proudly proclaim), decides to attend and spends X amount of dollars for a zillion group and private classes with the said "Fabio". Tango Dancer A then goes to the local milonga and proceeds to alarm and assault everyone around him with the large and awesome moves (and overwhelming aura of superiority, after all, he learned from the great "Fabio" himself!) he paid good money for in this tango opportunity of a lifetime.

Tango Dancer B sees and envies the fabulousness that is the newly re-minted Tango Dancer A, so Tango Dancer B waits for the next visiting "Fabio" to give workshops ("The Best Tango Classes etc., etc. X TWO!!") in his area. Tango Dancer B spends X amount of dollars for a zillion group and private classes with "Fabio 2". Tango Dancer B then goes to the local milonga, and proceeds to alarm and assault everyone around him (including Tango Dancer A) with his large and awesome moves, etc. etc.

So how does the local Gringo Tango Community benefit from all of this? Let's see... a couple of bruised shins from all those the flying linear boleo combinations, a fist-fight almost breaks out for the entertainment of all the tango folks, and the teacher to student ratio progresses closer to parity in the Community (i.e. somewhat like the Canadian to U.S. dollar exchange rate) as Tango Dancer A and Tango Dancer B both decide to teach as they are now qualified to enlighten everyone around them with their newly gained astounding tango wisdom.

So, at the end of this story, did the level of dancing go up, or did it actually go down?

We can't really answer that question, but we can definitely conclude the following:

1) Consumption of excrement in 2008 went up.
2) The "Fabios" are laughing all the way to the Bank!