The Crispy B.B.Q. Pork Equation 2: We explain using Tango examples why your Chinese B.B.Q. doesn't taste that good

 "I made this crispy B.B.Q. pork all by myself!"

We aren't having much luck with our Chinese B.B.Q. lately.

Man Yung is rolling his eyes in exasperation.  "Not again!  This crispy B.B.Q. pork is not only not crispy, it is oily and tasteless as well!"

And I thought that after the life lessons learnt in "The Crispy B.B.Q. Pork Equation", we would forever more only make totally failproof B.B.Q. purchases.  After all, don't we order crispy B.B.Q. pork by the "bone" and not by the pound? Are we not "chums" with the B.B.Q. chef and know all about "secret handshake"?  And aren't we always choosing the best B.B.Q. meats solely based on the flavour and texture due to the fat to meat ratio, irregardless of health and diet concerns?

No, we are not doing anything wrong - in fact we are doing everything right.  But as we all know by now, the Crispy B.B.Q. Pork Equation is not about getting $10 of value for $10.  It is not even about getting $8 of value for $10, or $6.99 of value for $3.99, etc.

Just look at these very annoying recent examples:

1.    I made it myself!

We got invited to a pot luck party recently.  In order for there to be variety in the food at the party, the hostess arranged for everyone to be responsible for a different dish.  Mr. White will bring the sushi, Mr. Orange will bring the roasted chicken, Mr. Blonde will be responsible for the salads, and Mr. Pink will bring the crispy B.B.Q. roasted pork.*

* And afterwards we all went on a diamond heist.  We have a very busy schedule on the weekends.

So everyone showed up at the party and brought their designated dish.  All the food was delightfully enjoyed by all - except for Mr. Pink's crispy B.B.Q. roasted pork.

"Come on guys!  There's still plenty left over!  Don't you want some?  It's good - I made it myself!" proclaimed Mr. Pink.

No, we didn't want any of the B.B.Q. pork.  Instead of being crispy, the skin was as tough as leather.  And instead of being tender and juicy, the meat was as dry as the Sahara desert.

Somebody quick, tell Mr. Pink that you can't make your own B.B.Q. pork in your oven to the same standard that you could get in any ol' B.B.Q. take-out in town!  The B.B.Q. chef roasts the whole pig at once - a small piece of pork would dry out in the heat of your oven just like that.  In addition, the B.B.Q. chef has perforated the skin with a professional grade needle brush like, hundreds of times in order to prepare the skin for roasting into a golden crispiness.  A couple of stabs with a dining fork will not give you the same effect.

And really, Mr. Pink - how much would it cost to buy your crispy B.B.Q. pork from the take-out?  $5.00 per pound?  $6.00 per pound?  Yes, you saved some pennies "making your own" but you really have wasted all your money and your effort when not even the dog would eat what you made.

TANGO EQUIVALENT:  Those clever dancers who "poo-poo" taking lessons since they could save their hard-earned cash and learn everything by watching Youtube!   And are they still wondering why no-one wants to invite them to dance at the milonga?

2.  Refried, refried, and refried again

There's a fascinating B.B.Q. take-out at Peachtree Centre in Markham.   Whenever we are in the plaza, we always make sure we pass by so we could gawk....in absolute horror.

"OMG Man Yung, just look at the colour on that piece of crispy B.B.Q. pork!"  I whispered really loudly to Man Yung.

Yes indeed, it was something quite special to see.  The pork was evenly BLACK - on the outside...and the inside!

The B.B.Q. duck, the honey B.B.Q. pork, and the B.B.Q. chicken didn't fare much better.

We've tried to surreptitiously take a photo of the B.B.Q. counter but the B.B.Q. chef was always hovering nearby glaring angrily at gawkers like ourselves. We didn't want to risk getting a meat cleaver thrown at us so we just pretended to pass by on our way to another store.

In order to save money and reduce waste, the B.B.Q. chef took the stale B.B.Q. leftovers from the previous day - and he just deep fried them again and hung them out for sale the next day.  Moreover, he never roasted a whole pig - he'd buy just a section, for example, half a rib cage, and roast that.  And as you can see in our cautionary tale in #1 above, the best results are reached in roasting the whole pig at once.  If you roast only a part of a pig (especially in an industrial-sized oven) or refry your meat again and again throughout the week, you will get a product that is closer to being charcoal than meat. 

And the most horrible thing was - some intrepid customers still went to eat at that shop!  Either they couldn't tell the difference, or they liked their meat to taste like coals and ashes - or, they were just cheap, because you can get a bowl of noodles with a side of really burnt B.B.Q. with a pop for like, three bucks.*

* But you can pretty much get decent lunch with a drink from any Chinese take-out for $3.00, so WTF, why are you guys still going to eat there?

TANGO EQUIVALENT:  When not so good Tango Dancers decide to become not so good Tango Instructors.

They may be of the "undercooked" sort - they've only been dancing for X number of months, they have learned either very little or learned something wrong - but now they have decided that they are ready to out there and teach.  Or, they might had been dancing for ages, but they learned how to Tango in the nineties from the luminaries of various "Traveling Tango Extravaganzas" - and therefore still have no clue about dancing in a social setting.  Or, they have never been particularly talented dancers or have particularly relevant insights into dancing, but they have been dancing so long, it's time to "Graduate" and become Tango instructors.

What these chaps have to offer is not good to begin with or quite possibly refried, but some oddballs will still take their classes.  As we had said, "Nobody could tell the difference/Some like the taste of ashes/Some are cheap!"  You go girl! (guy!)

3.  Looks good, but is not so good

We have been looking and looking for a good B.B.Q. take-out for ages.  We thought we found a good one at Midland and Sheppard - but then the quality of their crispy B.B.Q. pork has suddenly gone down lately.  We thought we found a promising one at Midland and McNicoll after we tasted some of the B.B.Q. duck there - but then we were disappointed AGAIN when we bought some crispy B.B.Q. pork today.

"I thought the B.B.Q. pork skin looked quite good on the outside, and it's kind of crispy - it has all the visual factors to indicate a well-roasted pig.  But why is the meat so fat, and so tasteless?" asked Man Yung.

"You know what, I knew something was wrong when you told me that your order of two bones cost $13.00.  As far as I know, the average cost of two bones is about $8.00 to $10.00 at the most." I replied.

As we might have mentioned before, the key to making delicious crispy B.B.Q. pork is to puncture the skin of your roast a sufficient number of times prior to roasting.  This serves two functions. Firstly, it changes the texture of the skin so that when it roasts, it becomes crispy.  Secondly, the holes allow the sub-cutaneous fat under the skin to liquify in the heat into oil and seep out of the skin during roasting.

It seems that B.B.Q. chefs have become quite innovative.  Perhaps it's because their costs are up - wholesale food prices have increased, as have utilities and rent - or perhaps they just want more profit.

Instead of puncturing the skin all the way to the fat underneath, the chefs have just punctured the skin, short of the layer of fat.  This way, the skin still ends up kind of crispy - but the fat has no way to escape.  The resulting roast is heavier - and the B.B.Q. chef will make more money from it.  So, our $13.00 has bought us the same amount of meat that we would have purchased in an $8.00 pre-B.B.Q. "innovation" order - but with $5.00 of extra fat.  Our order is less tasty too because the B.B.Q. chef has applied the same amount of marinade, which has to season the 30% of extra fat remaining in the roast.

TANGO EQUIVALENT: Championship Style Salon Tango Clones.  They look more elegant, they "walk" more fine.  They win more prizes, they have better resumes and marketing and they make more money!

But they don't taste good at all - where's the music, where's the soul?  Apparently , these "Barbie and Ken Championship Salon Tango dolls" are manufactured somewhere in China so that the people who are attracted by exterior appearance alone and can't tell the difference between "Zombie-like, by the rulebook going-through-the-motions movements robotically "timed" to the music (and yes, they can program that, down to the pauses and the footwork and stuff!)" and real, flesh and blood dancing will open their wallets for classes and more classes. 

And what should we do with the remaining crispy B.B.Q. pork?  "Don't worry, we'll add a little savoury shrimp sauce, some chives, and some Tofu, and turn this tasteless meat into a delicious "Big Horse Stand!"* said Man Yung.

* Big Horse Stand:  A Chinese Tofu dish using leftover crispy B.B.Q. pork with strong stinky salty shrimp sauce as seasoning.  This makes even the worst leftovers taste better.  They used to serve this at horse stations to open-air restaurant stalls - therefore the weird name!

A Lesson

In between watching soccer, playing with our cats and doing laundry this fine Sunday morning, we were searching for tango videos on Youtube. We wanted to check on our "old friends" from Cosmotango (as Man Yung said, "Hey, I don't think I have heard anything about Cosmotango this year - did they even have one?") and so we did a quick search on the usual culprits.

Well, apart from a snippet of a performance on the Cosmotango website, there was nothing on Youtube - I guess the organizers didn't want anyone to steal their "intellectual property" and start duplicating all the moves on the dance floor or in the classes of their own mini Nuevo festival? Anyway, it was not a big loss - just from the clip we saw and some videos from 2008 that were available we knew not only were we not missing anything, we had ample proof that age, time, experience, innate talent and hours of vigorous acrobatic practice can, in some instances, do nothing to improve one's tango and in fact, make it a lot worse (no surprise there).

We did come across a new video from Marisa Galindo's youtube site though! As the tango blogging community has already reported, Marisa Galindo has been uploading clips from the show she organized in the 90's with all the older generation dancers (our teacher Martha Anton was also in the show) and the footage is rare and amazing. She has recently uploaded the video of all the dancers on the stage dancing La Cumparsita in a simulated "Milonga" scene:

"La Cumparsita" with the Greats

This video is a treat because a) we can't stand watching cookie-cutter "contemporary" "campeonato salon style" tango dancers on youtube anymore - for us, it's the videos of the unique older dancers that are really worth looking at; b) there's a lesson to be learned looking at this milonga scene.

If you watch closely, there are "show-off" dancers (not exactly the same as "show dancers" - there is a distinction, you know) and "dancers from the milonga" on stage together at the same time in this video. Much like what you would find in a milonga of today.

And just like in a milonga, you have the "show-off" dancers doing every single "show-off" movement they know - regardless of the line of dance, the people around them, and the fact that perhaps it is inappropriate to finish the step sequence they have programed into their bodies given the music and the space available!

The "dancers from the milonga" can be dancing plainly (Portalea and Marta) or fancy (the gentleman in the brown jacket with the young girl, or Lito and Lidia) but some things they do really well are a) staying calm, despite the profusion of high boleos and charging "show-off" bodies; b) dancing in the music; and c) navigation - which frequently means expertly changing directions and running away from the "show-off's" when they come too close!

As I said, there's a lesson to be learned from all of this. Man Yung has to learn how to "run away" when he feels crowded by crazy "show-off's" in the milonga - would Portalea start to use his partner, helicopter-blade style, as a weapon in this instance? Not likely.

And the winners are....

...the ones who could recite the rule book in their sleep and broke the least number of rules!

Not to say that being the "Best of the Borg" after many many rounds of "Eliminate the Inferior Borg" isn't a tremendous accomplishment of skill, pluck and endurance. Congratulations to all, may you bask in the glowing glory of your achievement, wear the shiny victory crown of "Tango Salon Campeones" with pride, and even breathe an immense sigh of relief - that "quitting your day job as air-conditioner salesman to devote yourself to Tango" (or whatever) has paid off after all!

And isn't it great that the Championship has standardized all participants to make judging (and determining who is Best Borg) so much easier now? At the beginning of decade, it was so difficult to know just who was good and who wasn't - everyone did their "own little idiosyncratic Tango thing" and it was so pesky to try and tell the BAD apples and oranges from the REALLY GOOD apples and oranges. Now, of course, it is easy peasy. Makes the competition just that much more exciting to watch - we can live and relive every single excruciatingly cautious "Villa Urquiza" step of every single competitor in the comfort of our own homes, knowing that what "wins" can only be what is "right".

In fact, it reminds us of another glorious and exciting competition that never fails to rivet us to the TV screen whenever it is broadcast to millions upon millions of homes worldwide:

Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show

Come to think of it, what makes the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show so great is kind of what makes El World Competition de Tango (Salon Division) so great. Winners are selected based on their adherence to tried and true standards of beauty and elegance - a tooth too long here, a tail too short here, an ear too droopy here, etc., simply would not do. Moreover, only those with the sleekest and shiniest coats, the most captivating personalities and the most "breed specific" gaits (God forbid that your Bulldog should trot around like a Scottish Terrier or vice versa!) will win.

That's the way a competition should be - lots of strict rules, and lots of points deducted for not following them. What a competition should not do is muck around with unquantifiable stuff like "Will your dog scare away burglars", "How much your dog loves you", "How great your dog is at catching frisbees", "How well one navigates a crowded dance floor", "How much of one's soul is in the dance" or "How one's dancing can move the audience to tears" - if we are going to go into vague nebulous grey areas like that, the competition could last year round and still we won't be able to come up with a clear winner.

Lucky for us in El Mundo de Tango, we have a Competition and we have Winners. Following the wonderful awe-inspiring example of the "Winners", we too are now inspired to quit our day jobs to devote ourselves to Tango. Maybe it will be a one-year retirement, or two years - or even forever - but however long it takes, and how many mountains we have to climb (or how many rule books we have to memorize - Irene made it through law school so learning a couple of rules by heart shouldn't be that difficult) we will never cease to aspire.

"Hissho", also known as the Japanese spirit of "Victory" -
a.k.a. "I can't possibly lose this competition AGAIN because then it'll look really, really bad"

TO THE WINNERS: You are inspiration for all those who come after you who haven't yet composed the greatest symphony ever heard, written the Great American Novel, earned more money than Bill Gates, or broken the most Olympic records in the history of the Olympic Games. You have given them the precious gift of HOPE that yes, yes, YOU (and I mean YOU! Meaning him and her and them and not really "you" as in "you guys over there who have already won the competition") can still matter (eh, maybe not in the "Real World") in TANGO - the greatest invention of humankind since the wheel.

La Vida Communista

Both Man Yung and I are feeling so sick and so doped up on antibiotics, cough syrup and advil right now, it's the perfect time to hallucinate and reminisce about all the "fun" that Man Yung used to have when he traveled to The People's Republic of China on business right in the middle of the Cultural Revolution.

Man Yung admits the first time was a pretty shocking experience. From the colourful cacophony and chaos that is Hong Kong, he was confronted by a world of monotonous grey, navy and brown. Everyone he met was dressed in the same standard unisex uniform. No matter if you were locals or visitors, if your pants were too long or your haircut unconventional, the ubiquitous "Red Guards" would cut off the offending length of hair or pants for you in public right in the middle of the street, and then surround you and chant communist slogans so that you can be indoctrinated with the right kind of thinking.

All movies were supposed to follow the "Eight basic plots" (anything else would be frivolous or immoral) - and not deviate from this.

All cultural and artistic works were permitted to be dedicated to the praise and glorification of "the Worker, the Farmer and the Soldier" and nothing else.

Of course, people were not only expected to look and act the same, they were also expected speak in the same way and to think the same glorious thoughts about the eternal Maoist revolution.

Even Man Yung thought that all that conformity was a pretty good idea at the time (and sometimes he still does). The comrades were very organized. The uniforms they wore were so comfortable and practical (lots of pockets) - it sure beat having to think about what to wear in the morning. Everyone was working towards the same worthy ideals! Utopia.


I can see how conformity can be seductive. Having certainty and being fully convinced that you are right 100% of the time must be nice.

Am I wrong to be a bit wary? Maybe I don't buy into all this lovely "conformity" (like I don't buy into religious fundamentalism, everyone having an ipod or every newly-minted tango professional dancing in exactly the same way in every new Youtube video since 2007) only because I am a little wrong in the head.


What I may need is a big crowd of very self-assured people around me chanting phrases from "the little red book" of the rules of the tango salon campeonato that they are waving ardently in the air. Then perhaps I can join in and enjoy the macabre hilarity of the radiant, conformist tango future.

* All paintings by the contemporary chinese artist Yue Minjun.

Tango Hell - Sorry, only nine circles available! Reserve your spot now!

Tango "Fruits de Mer", Nuevo Flailers
Circle I Limbo

Toronto "Milongueros"
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Tango bumper-car navigators
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Face Dancers
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Tango Borg of Villa Mosquita
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Ta-Chango practitioners
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Tango resume exaggerees
Circle VII Burning Sands

Thrusters/Humpers/Pumpers/Grinders, Ex -Ballroom turned Tango expert "Re-Inventors"
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

"Fabio"
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

I swear to god, I just pressed a key and this popped up all by itself!

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!!!!!

Remember The Borg? The ultimate villains of the Star Trek universe, subject of multitudinous episodes of The Next Generation, spinoff movies and books - who can forget them?

Just in case you forgot, this is a handy overview from a trekky website:

The Borg's need for new technological advancements, and their obsession with the perfection of the 'body', has ultimately cost them their humanity. They now lack any emotional responses or individuality, which is why they are easily the most feared species in the Star Trek universe. The Borg's dependence on technology serves as a warning to humanity not to sacrifice our individuality and our emotions--in essence our humanity--for perfection through inorganic enhancements.

You know what? Seems like the Tango universe has been invaded by the Borg these days. Did everyone start taking lessons from the Academy of Borg?


There's Show Tango Borg:

Note: "My hair is greasy and slicked back - check. My suit is tight and just right - check. No expression on my face - check. Am I doing moves that induce LSD flashbacks to Tangox2 and every single other Tango show ever known to humankind? - check."



Villa Urquiza Tango Borg:

Note: "Look, we may be upright but we are just so not 'Show Tango' - we don't jump around or do back sacadas, you know! Don't tell us how to dance in a 'Salon' - of course we can, since we are very sensible and we keep our feet on the floor and do lots of giros. We are the TRUE authentic Villa Urquiza - can't you tell by our constant adorning? Oh yes, we take our perfection very seriously, and we don't need to smile because we are PERFECT."



And believe it or not, there's even Milonguero-style Tango Borg!!!:

Note: "We must be dancing Milonguero Style because we are dancing so very very close, you can't wedge a toothpick between us. And we are doing the same three steps over and over again! Can't crack a smile - must look dead serious, perfection is a serious matter and not to be joked about! Because if we deviate the Borg-meister will tear out our entrails and feed them to a pack of wild dogs. Mommy, I'm scared!"



And last and not least, hasn't the Camponeato Mundial become "El Carnival de Borg"?:



Only a mere 20 years ago, people danced like this:



So what if your posture isn't perfect? So what if your arms in the embrace are not exactly "just so"? So what if you are smiling and enjoying yourselves and doing funny little moves and separations not codified by the Academy of Borg? So what if everyone is dancing totally differently from everyone else? Isn't tango about savoring the music with your partner in the dance?

Apparently not, tango nowadays is all about adhering PERFECTLY to THE CODE OF BORG, Chapter XVIII, Section 4.2, paragraph A subsection d.

(What? You don't own a copy of THE CODE OF BORG? Shame on you. You are't allowed to dance tango unless you have memorized it from cover to cover and back again.)

If the Academy of Borg catches anyone these days dancing like the people in this videoclip, chances are the Borg-meister will start cracking the whip and yelling - WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!!! And then you will have to take thousands of dollars worth of private classes to get in line with THE CODE OF BORG, because we don't want to dance all WRONG, do we?

I'm guessing at the rate we are going, by 2015, we will all be assimilated by The Borg and we will have to dance tango like this:

RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!!!!!