|Yummy Christmas Dinner! Science Diet Turkey and Giblets Entrée!|
Since our cats are the most sweetest, loveliest, adorable cats IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, we try to spoil them every Christmas with gifts we were originally quite certain they would love.
...Unfortunately, they have never been impressed at our gift selections. "Your gifts suck!" they complained in unison. "Just look at all this EPIC CAT GIFT FAIL!:"
1. Fancy Electric powered aquarium with ascending and descending bubbles and plastic tropical fish
"We knew right away that those fish weren't alive. Who did you think you were kidding?"
2. Premium Catnip flavoured cardboard scratch pad with rolling ping pong ball"
"Why would we scratch that stupid piece of artificial crap when it feels so good to rip up your carpet corners and door frames with our claws? And what's so interesting about pushing a ping pong ball around and around on a track? Are we gerbils or something?"
3. Zhu Zhu
"We can't believe you paid good money and pushed over several pregnant women and an old crone with a walker for motorized hot wheels wrapped in faux fur. Give us a real mouse next time!"
4. Expandable and Collapsible pink and black three-way Play tunnel
"Are we supposed to amuse you by friskily playing hide and seek in this contraption? Why don't we just sun ourselves next to the window and scoff at you instead?"
5. Combo Sisal Scratch Post with plastic excess fur collecting Neck Scratcher
"See #2 above for our comment on your carpets and your door frames. That Neck Scratcher looks like a scary slicing part from the Guillotine - we're not stupid, we aren't going to put our precious necks anywhere near that!"
This year, we finally had enough of the cat complaints. "So, what do you kitties REALLY want for Christmas?" we asked.
"All we're asking for is for you to wave a leather shoelace or a straw (preferably with a paper sleeve so we can shred it off while we are playing) creatively in front of us so that we can chase it around. And while you are waving it around, we want you to concentrate ONLY on waving it around - we don't want you talking on the phone, checking your email, thinking about making money from Tango, or eating a sandwich."
We were skeptical since what the cats were asking for was so low-tech and cheesy, but we went along with it anyway. Guess what? The cats had loads of fun - they sprinted around chasing the end of the straw and the shoelace and rolled around and pounced and jumped until they were tired.
We were astounded. "We can't believe that we spent all that money on those terrible cat gifts while all along, you would be happy with something so simple!"
"Ah, you silly humans!" they said. "You always make it so complicated. Do you think that receiving a super-sized box of gourmet chocolates, a Rolex watch, the newest Apple gadget, a designer handbag or even a brand new car would make you happy? Things won't make you happy. As for wishing for and getting massive wealth, lots of power, a big dream house - don't think that they would make you happy either. We know you like to dance Tango - yes, dancing and enjoying Tango might make you happy - but don't think that having all the latest Comme Il Fauts would make you happy. And as for having rabid Tango ambitions and hoping to become a "Tango Performer", "Tango Teacher", "Tango Professional", "Tango Expert", "Tango Name", "Tango Champion" - ha ha, don't even think about it, you will be miserable!"
"So, in all of your cat wisdom - what should we do this Christmas instead of wishing for gifts or plotting Total Tango World Domination?"
"You should keep on waving that shoelace - and then when we get tired playing, we should all have a nice nap. You are permitted to cuddle us - but without making any cloying, infantile, baby-talk noises. In cat years, we are not babies - we are older than you! After our nice refreshing nap, we can have Science Diet Turkey and Giblets (or in your case, the human-food equivalent). And then we can play some more!"
Thanks to advice from all our cats, it's shaping up to be the best Christmas ever! Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous 2013 to everyone!